So yesterday was a big day for me. It was the day of the Jefferson-Jackson Dinner, the Democratic Prom--minus the dancing. The JJ Dinner is one of the biggest fundraisers of the year for the Democratic Party, and I look forward to it every year. It's a chance to get all dressed up and hang out with hundreds of other Dems, some of whom I only see once or twice a year. So I was worried for weeks in advance that I wouldn't be able to attend because my migraines have been SO bad. I have been going to bed at 8:00 at night just to escape the pain. So the chances of me making it to the JJ Dinner, which started at 7:00 p.m. and lasts about three hours seemed kind of slim. But I bought a dress and made plans to go anyway.
Making plans to go consists of a few things. First on the list was strategically planning how I would use my meds that week. Second on the list was getting a spray tan. (Hey, not everything in life is about migraines.) Third on the list was a home pedicure, because I have a thing about other people touching my feet. Again, vanity trumps migraines.
I woke up bright and early on Saturday after a horrid Friday night filled with pain, and gratefully, I felt pretty well. My dear husband made a run for Shipley's Donuts, so my day was off to a pretty darn good start. He had a meeting to attend, so I was home alone to play online a bit, pay bills, and around 10:15 a.m., I began to feel that pain creeping up in my head that I recognized so well. So I took my first dose of meds for the day. Then I gave myself a pedicure, played online some more while my newly painted pretty toes dried, then took a shower. By that time, I was feeling the pain in my head again, so I took my second dose of meds. The meds were working at holding the pain at bay, so I was feeling pretty good about things.
After my shower and getting ready to be presentable, my hubs was home so we ran to town for a quick shopping trip. It's at this time that I feel the need for my first Zomig of the day. I'm still making it mostly Ok though, at about 4:00 p.m. now, and I'm just amazed by this fact. Typically, I would be in bed by this time of day. But typically, I don't take Zomig and I take my other meds a little differently. We go back home to finish getting ready; me, putting on my dress and final makeup touches, him, getting into his suit and tie. We looked quite dashing if I do say so myself. :-)
So by the time we leave the house I'm feeling the need for my second Zomig, and beginning to worry a little. But, I've reached the point of no return. We are dressed, we are meeting friends to ride with, so at this point, I'm locked in. I don't really want out--I'm just worried about contingencies. I'm always worried about contingencies.
We get to the dinner and start seeing friends. Everyone looks gorgeous. The room looks great, and seeing that many Democrats together makes my heart swell. But there it is again, that blasted pain in my head. We sit down to eat after awhile. Nope, that doesn't help. I've still got a few weapons though. I have my third and last dose of meds in my clutch. I take those. This time--nothing happens. I get no relief. I'm on my own in a loud room for the rest of the night, just me and my steadily increasing head pain. Gradually, my left eye got in on the fun too.
I made it through the evening. I was able to ignore most of the pain and focus on the people and things around me until we got home and I stopped and it had time to really take hold and kick my ass. I spent all my spoons and then some. If you don't know what I am talking about, please take the time to read the Spoon Theory. It will help you understand the life of someone living in chronic pain.
I want to be a glass half full kind of girl and focus on the good parts of the day. And I am so grateful for every single hour I have without a migraine on any day. But I'm really struggling with the fact that for most of this year, every single night ends up the same way, with me curled up in a ball in bed, clutching my head, often in tears, always wondering, "why does this happen to me?" It makes me feel like a glass half empty girl. What I really want to do is throw the damn glass at someone or something. Whatever is in charge of this migraine stuff. But there's nothing to throw it at. Nothing in charge.
I'm having an existential crisis maybe. OK, OK, That's doubtful. I'm pretty sure I've already had one of those and solved it with 14 years of therapy. Still though, I'd like to feel like I focus more on the positive. Maybe there just needs to be some more freaking positive for me to focus on first?
Thanks for reading.