Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Shout out to my Boo!

If you've read this blog often, you know I am smitten, intrigued by, and head-over-heels for my husband,C. C takes care of me so well, I can't imagine how he's not burned out and so tired all the time. But not my C.  He says he loves me and his most important job in the world is taking care of me.

A few things he does for me:  I get either Shipley Donuts or Chocolate Gravy every morning because he worries about how little I eat and the mornings are the one time of day I have an appetite.  He brings me whatever I ask for in bed--not because I physically can't get up and get it but because he knows it increases my pain to have to walk around.  He helps me reason through medication options when my brain is trashed from migraine pain and I can't think for myself, and on top of all this, every bit of house work has fallen on his shoulders for months now.  Again, I don't know how he does it, but C does, and still manages to love me in spite of it all. 

He also takes me to the ER in the middle of the night when I need to go, he sits with me in the dark when I have a migraine to keep me company, he brings me medications when it's time and I need them.…. There are very few things C doesn't or wouldn't do for me.  And I love him so for it. 

He tells me someday I'll get the chance to return the favor.  Though I want to return the favor, I don't want him to ever be as sick as I am now.  I know I don't control these things though, and with him being older than me especially, I likely will have to return the favor.  When or if that time comes, if I can be just half the spouse to him that he has been to me, and show him even half the love he's shown me, I'll be a pretty darn good caretaker. Because he's downright amazing.  

Monday, July 8, 2013

Talking about migraine without bumming everyone out

Migraine is a big part of my life. It's not ALL of my life, but I inevitably find myself talking about it wherever I go.  I try not to be a Debbie-Downer about it, but it's hard to feel like I don't bum everyone out when I talk about my struggles with migraine.  (BTW, where did the phrase Debbie-Downer come from?  I know three Debbie's and they are all gloriously positive people.) 

I especially feel like I bum other migraineurs out when I talk about my experiences with migraine.  I try to tell them "please don't judge your situation/expectations on my experiences, because I am an extremely hard to treat case," but I feel like that's not enough. When I hear of a migraineur who is worse than me or who has been chronic longer than me, my first thought is "oh no, will that be me someday?  Is that what I have to look forward to?"  I just can't help but compare our situations and put myself in her shoes.  

Then, I get bummed out about it.  It's hard to be positive when your sure your future is filled with more of the same bleakness and pain.  So if this happens to me, I know it probably happens to others when they hear my stories of migraine.  The getting bummed out and knowing your future will be filled with pain just like me. But I don't know how to honestly talk about myself, my life, without talking about migraine.  

I used to avoid talking about migraine as much as I could, for fear of looking weak or being misunderstood.  Now, I realize they are such a big part of my life I can't avoid talking about them and talking about them is a good thing.  It brings awareness to a problem that needs more awareness.  

So I guess all I'm saying is that it's a really difficult subject to put a positive spin on, so if I've ever been a bummer to you when discussing migraine, I certainly apologize. It's not my intent.  I do hope I've raised awareness of the issue without being a Debbie-Downer. (There's that phrase again…)  

And for all you Debbie's out there--stay positive!  

Friday, July 5, 2013

Just a little vent

So, I need to vent a little.  It's multiple things really.

The first thing I need to vent about is that I have been chronic now for 15 years.  That means having migraines on more days in a month than not.  I happen to think that's a LONG time.  Longer than anyone should have to live with chronic migraines and that surely my effective treatment method is just around the corner.  Then today I read a friend's blog, and she's been chronic for 20 years.  Twenty years.  So you can guess what that makes me think.  It's possible effective treatment for me isn't just right around the corner.  I could do this five more years.  Maybe longer.  My friend hasn't found effective treatment yet.  Can I do this five more years?  Am I strong enough?  It doesn't feel like it sometimes.

I also want to vent about how I am sleeping, or rather not sleeeping, lately.  I am trying trazodone to sleep instead of lunesta.  I am on a low dose of trazodone to start out and just moving up on the dosage slowly.  It's not working out very well.  I am just not sleeping unless I take something to supplement the trazodone, and then I only sleep for a few hours at a time.  You can imagine what this sleep deficit is doing to my migraines.  I have daily migraines anyway, but they happen earlier in the day and I get no break at all when I don't sleep well at night.

Last night was rough.  Not sleeping is rough.  I'm constantly worried about how much longer this can go on.  When I first started having migraines, I was terrified of the "next one".  They were so bad, and I always knew I would have another, and it terrified me.  Now, I'm not terrified of the next one.  The next one is a given.  It's going to happen and it's going to be awful and I'm somehow going to live through it anyway. Now, what I'm terrified of is how long they can last.  How many hours a single migraine can last, and how many years migraines in general will last.

I hate complaining about things, but some days, you just need to vent.  Today was really one of those days.

Thanks for reading.

Another Mostly Good Day

I had another mostly good day today.  It was because of Zomig, but still, I need to celebrate the good days, no matter what the cause.  I even was able to watch fireworks, which I thought would never happen again.  Sure, by the end of them I was hurting, but I enjoyed at least half the show.

The day didn't start well.  I have to judge carefully how I use the Zomig because I can only use two per day and they've only been lasting about four hours per pill.  Today was an important day, you see.  Not only was it the Fourth of July, but it was the day my husband and I had promised to take my now 10-year-old niece, E,  out for her annual birthday shopping trip and dinner.  We do this with each of her older brothers on their birthdays too.  It's our chance to spend some special time with each of them and hopefully let them know they are special to us.  

So we promised her we'd take her out today and take her to see fireworks tonight. Now, I was quite concerned about the fireworks watching.  Bright lights, flashing lights, loud noises, and migraines just don't go together.  But we promised E.  I didn't want to disappoint her.  So as I said the day started off bad.  I had my usual migraine in the morning, and knew I had to get ready to pick her up around 2:00 p.m.  So I took my Zomig around 1:30, having no idea if that was too late, if my migraine was too advanced to let my stomach metabolize the medication, or if it would work as it was supposed to.  Luckily, within about 20 minutes, I began feeling a little better.  In about 30 minutes, sure enough, I felt good enough to get out of bed and begin the process of getting ready.

So a few hours later, we were on our way.  We did a lot of shopping.  What can I say, the girl takes after her mom and her aunt.  She knows how to shop.  Then, she requested IHOP, because she likes their Mac and Cheese, of all things.  After that, I was onto my second Zomig, and we were off to the fireworks show.

We had to wait quite awhile for it to get dark and for the show to start.  I thankfully remembered to bring earplugs, so the sound of the fireworks wasn't too awfully bad.  I enjoyed the first part of the show, then all of a sudden, what had been the enjoyable lights of the fireworks seemed to brighten to an unbearable glow.  Just like that.  I asked my husband if the lights seemed brighter to him, because I thought it couldn't just be me, but of course, I knew better.   I knew my evil superpowers were returning and my vision was just sharpening as it does when a migraine is hitting.  So, I began the day and ended the day with a migraine.  Unfortunately, my day wasn't over yet.

We still had to drive an hour home, and E decided she wasn't done shopping.  Besides that, we needed to buy her something for breakfast and some snacks, so we had to run to Wal-mart.  Luckily, my head wasn't at full steam yet.  We make it home, and I begin the melt down.  The problem is, I'm trying a new night med, and it's not working well so I can't sleep.  So this blog is being written with a migraine, not a level 9 or 10 at least, at 1:30 a.m.

As I said, I need to celebrate mostly good days.  I just wish I didn't have to end them by talking about the migraine I go to bed with.  Someday....