Friday, July 5, 2013

Just a little vent

So, I need to vent a little.  It's multiple things really.

The first thing I need to vent about is that I have been chronic now for 15 years.  That means having migraines on more days in a month than not.  I happen to think that's a LONG time.  Longer than anyone should have to live with chronic migraines and that surely my effective treatment method is just around the corner.  Then today I read a friend's blog, and she's been chronic for 20 years.  Twenty years.  So you can guess what that makes me think.  It's possible effective treatment for me isn't just right around the corner.  I could do this five more years.  Maybe longer.  My friend hasn't found effective treatment yet.  Can I do this five more years?  Am I strong enough?  It doesn't feel like it sometimes.

I also want to vent about how I am sleeping, or rather not sleeeping, lately.  I am trying trazodone to sleep instead of lunesta.  I am on a low dose of trazodone to start out and just moving up on the dosage slowly.  It's not working out very well.  I am just not sleeping unless I take something to supplement the trazodone, and then I only sleep for a few hours at a time.  You can imagine what this sleep deficit is doing to my migraines.  I have daily migraines anyway, but they happen earlier in the day and I get no break at all when I don't sleep well at night.

Last night was rough.  Not sleeping is rough.  I'm constantly worried about how much longer this can go on.  When I first started having migraines, I was terrified of the "next one".  They were so bad, and I always knew I would have another, and it terrified me.  Now, I'm not terrified of the next one.  The next one is a given.  It's going to happen and it's going to be awful and I'm somehow going to live through it anyway. Now, what I'm terrified of is how long they can last.  How many hours a single migraine can last, and how many years migraines in general will last.

I hate complaining about things, but some days, you just need to vent.  Today was really one of those days.

Thanks for reading.

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